Having a balanced self esteem is all about viewing ourselves in the correct way. If we are thinking too highly of ourselves or taking ourselves too seriously, that can lead to pride. But on the other side of the coin if we are putting ourselves down all the time and not being kind during our inner dialogues; that can lead to feelings of shame. Neither of these two view points are correct. I believe we are not meant to live on either side of that coin, we are created to live on the edge of the coin! But in order to remain on the edge of the coin in unity and humility with others, we are required to have balance in our self esteem.
The edge of the coin is a place of humility and unity with our fellow man. You may have heard this quote before, "I am no greater than any one else, but I am also no less than anyone else". My daily mantra is simple, "We are all one". Just saying this out loud to myself quietly throughout the day has really helped me to stay more balanced in my self esteem.
So in this months post I'll go over how we can deal with unbalanced self esteem issues such as pride and shame, so our life and relationships can be more blessed.
Dealing With Pride
Pride is something that we all deal with. But it seems to be especially common among men. To the women reading this, have you ever had a husband or boyfriend? Ya, so you know what I'm talking about. To the men reading this, if you have a girlfriend or wife just ask them if you are prideful and see what happens (lol). But no worries, once we are aware of an issue we can start to deal with it.
For the making of this blog post I asked my wife to (gently) tell me what my most common symptom of pride was. She informed me that I get defensive and shut down sometimes when she has some constructive criticism for me. Yup. I can't argue with that. I didn't realize I was being prideful by trying to wriggle my way out of being accountable to her. That's the way the ego works though. It's incredibly conniving. The ego thrives on us being unconscious of it's hijacking of our emotions and thought processes.
The ego is the false self that our mind creates so that we perceive ourselves as separate from others. It is an entity that is based in fear, not love. So let's say I left some dirty clothes on the floor for my spouse to pick up. She calmly confronts me about cleaning up after myself. My ego takes that as a direct threat to it's existence. This is how my ego perceives the situation, "She wants me to be considerate of her existence instead of only my own...but I am too superior to do that so I must come back with my own criticism to punish her behavior. That way I remain superior and intact." So what ends up happening if I remain unconscious of my egos antics, is the clothes continue to get left on the floor and resentment and frustration eventually arises in the relationship. All I had to do was remember that we are all one in this life. I'm no greater than my spouse and I'm no less than my spouse, therefore I can make an effort to be in unity with her by picking up my clothes.
Dealing With Shame
Shame is such a heavy burden to bear. It's heavy and also unnecessary. Keeping us in shame is another tactic of the ego to keep us in negative behaviors and thought patterns. You guessed it, both pride and shame are emotions based in fear not love.
Let's go back to the same example of dirty clothes being left on the floor. I've been really making an effort by picking up my clothes but for some strange reason my thoughts are bombarding me with guilt and shame over dirty clothes. "You're not a clean person and you're not a good spouse, remember all those times you were selfish and left a mess for Kali to clean up?" Whoa, what the heck is this? This too is the voice of the ego. The ego is basically an entity trying to survive by getting us to attach and identify our true selves with it. It tries to hijack our mind, create thought patterns of pride and superiority, then once we detach from it, the ego attacks us with shame. It's a cycle of negativity.
One way I've learned to combat shame is to say out loud three things that I like about myself. It sounds corny but it is a powerful practice that can transform your inner dialogues with the ego's voice of shame. If you've been living under a voice of shame for a very long time you may need to ask someone you trust to help you name three positive attributes about yourself. Remember, you are no less than anyone else because we are truly all one.
I hope this post has helped you become more aware of having a balanced self esteem. The ego is like any entity in existence, it's number one goal is survival. If you find yourself today being overly critical or defensive towards others, it may be the ego hijacking your mind. Or if you're feeling ashamed and run down with negativity in your thoughts, it's time to express some self love in three things you like about yourself. Cheers friends!